Twilight

As the sun makes its slow journey to the west, it accompanies me on my run at the Botanic Gardens.

Before it disappears completely, it illuminates my paths and warms my heart, providing me with the sheer joy of the twilight that I’ve grown to love.

I try not to be distracted by the indescribable ‘’neither light nor dark’’ sky. The still, silent ponds glisten serenely. The gentle breeze propels me forward. As I relish my first run after a four-day break, I am thankful for a day just ended. A day when a nice email from a far away friend brought me a smile, a day when an ex colleague enquired if I liked the snacks she’d given me, a day when someone dropped by my desk just to say hello and to pass on his wife’s well wishes… a day when I still miss someone dearly.

Is this why some people love the twilight? Because it’s also called l’heure bleue, and the ambience evokes deep emotions?

The light changes, and dusk arrives.

I end my run. I look up at the sky again. I cross the road. I prepare for night.

Things I Learnt in 2010

I was deliberately low key in 2010: not very sociable or active, and not going all out to take up new classes or courses. I reluctantly ‘’learnt’’ to re-string a necklace in the last week of December though. That was more a combination of ‘’impulse’’ and trying to salvage some nice crystals and a piece of jade. I’ve never ‘’made’’ jewelry before, unlike my creative friends, but in true JL fashion, without much planning or learning, just plunged right in. I picked up the fish thread, and just started stringing, unstringing, and restringing the crystals. By the time I was almost done stringing way past midnight, I realised I did not know how to, nor was able to (since I’d cut the string too short) fix the fastening of the necklace.

So now I have an open-ended, unfinished necklace. It reminds me of what someone told me way back in 2002 (OK OK, so I am feeling nostalgic) – ‘’leave a little window open’’. He was referring to typical ‘’endings’’ of French literature. I guess this necklace will be my symbol for 2011 – to be open minded, leaving things ‘’open’’??

Whatever, I learnt some obvious, and not so obvious things in 2010:

Definition of success can be prosaic, poetic, or inhuman
According to Financial Times, it’s measured by your current salary, and what it will be three years from now. According to one of our deans, it’s self respect. According to the Singapore government, it’s to be married. So, I am a failure in Singapore. How encouraging. (Should I stop paying tax?)

‘’Fact-based’’ info is as rare as flawless diamonds
Get the info you need before making a decision, said our dean. I would add, having encountered woefully pathetic conversations with people, ‘’get the right info before you even open your mouth to make a comment’’.

Empty talk can get you far (sometimes)
Also known as ‘’small talk’’/ polite conversation. A senior colleague sent me a nice long Christmas message full of glowing tribute about our organisation. I managed to bring myself to reply, as enthusiastically, ‘’I look forward to working even more closely with you in this very special and amazing institution’’. I leave it to you to interpret ‘’special’’ and ‘’amazing’’.

Accepting the ridiculous makes life ‘’easier’’
So is succumbing to sinful self indulgence. I paid special rate of $6 to enjoy a movie on a weekday. And I paid the same price for a miserable box of empty sugar – pop corn – to go with it. A box of sheer, useless calories, at daylight robbery price. But I’d craved for it for ages, and chomped off every single sweet, tooth-maiming calorie of it during the entire movie.

Apparently, supposedly business minded (and hence more rational) organisations can be as ridiculous as a woman like me. A friend who used to run a gift shop at Handy Road wrote in an email about moving out of the premises: ‘’ I was told that the hackers of the floor will also have to come in at night to do their job. Apparently we have to restore the premises to "original" condition which means that even though we spent good money to level out the flooring before moving in we now have to hack out 5mm of concrete so that the next tenant can come in and lay his 5mm to level it out again.’’

I guess I should be glad the price of my ‘’ridiculous-ness’’ was limited to $6.

You can waste resources and still appear to be a saint
All in the name of ‘’community projects’’. P_L_U_U_ R_S_E !!! Tell Singaporeans you are bringing in Andrea Bocelli FREE for the public to enjoy. Get people to sign up online (so that you can get their email id and details for your spamming purposes), then tell them ‘’response was overwhelming’’ and so they get to see only a screen, make us go Q for the ‘’free tickets’’ to see a screen, block major parts of the Botanic Gardens weeks before and after the concert so that joggers like me had limited access, have the entire gardens littered with paper cups, plates, etc, all for a big ‘’free concert’’ for the masses. If you are so genuine about offering the masses high class culture with your ‘’public service’’, dear YTL, I’m sure you can afford to just buy TV air time and Bocelli’s programme and then have the TV station broadcast it free to air. No need to kill more trees with those ‘’invite cards’’, goodies bags, paper cups and plates, and self serving, chest beating banners.

She who yells the loudest…
Gets the most disrespect. Enough said, about my menopausal, control freak, insecure, unprofessional, disorganized, clueless, hopeless boss.

She who yells the loudest…
Gets what she wants. Yes, I DID learn something useful in 2010 after all, from my own menopausal, control freak…. boss. I yelled big time at the contractor at Bukit Panjang Plaza, when calls to the police and NEA about their noise at midnight were futile. And they DID shut the F*&K up.

RAGE !

Lately I have been commenting on the ugliness of our bosses’ unreasonable yelling. How uncouth. How unprofessional. How pathetic.

How can they do this so regularly, without hurting their vocal cords, their health and their peace of mind?!

Ya, how?! I am still reeling from my own bout of screaming two nights ago. I am still shocked with my ferocity and ‘’uncouth madness’’, and nursing a painful throat. I looked like an insane woman just escaped from the mental hospital. It was so intense that, if I had been near my targets, and had a weapon, stone, or chair with me – whatever that can kill – I would have committed homicide.

Such was my rage. But at least I have one consolation – I had good reason for it. It was not ‘’wrongful accusation’’. In fact, it was for a recurring wrongful act! And my bosses were ‘’right’’ after all – yelling does shock and stun your targets, and it does get things done the way you want, or give you your desired outcome.

I am referring to the recurring noisy renovation work late at night, at the shopping mall next to my block. Years of complaints, tomes of letters and appeals to MPs, town councils, police and the National Environment Agency (NEA) have not solved the issue at the root – the management of the mall (a huge local conglomerate – you can guess who) is so ‘’influential’’ locally that it can afford to brush aside any complaint that comes their way.

My last complaint was in late July when they indiscriminately carried out renovation to the shops from 11.30 pm till past 1.00 am in the morning. Subsequently there were other ‘’smaller renovations’’ which I’d tolerated. A flurry of letters ensued – including a couple of cover your ass, empty, hypocritical stock phrase replies, arrogant I don’t give a damned rebuttals, bald faced lies and denials from the mall management, the police and the NEA, letters meant for the MP wrongly sent to me (by the incompetent bungling police), etc etc. Barely five months later, the mall started the noisy hacking and drilling again two nights ago, at 11.20 pm, right up to midnight.

This time I rang the NEA four times, 999 once and my neighbourhood police at least four times, during the whole time that the noise destroyed the peace of the night.

I decided to take things into my own hands. I leant out of my kitchen window, and yelled at the construction workers for what seemed like an eternity. Yes, the mall is that near my block – that I could watch them work and they could hear me. So imagine the din I’ve had to put up with all these years.

I yelled and yelled. And yelled somemore, at the top of my lungs, at the risk of losing my voice and spewing blood from my throat. All the four letter words and expletives that I’ve not had the pleasure of using on all the mother f**kers (especially bosses) I’ve met in my entire life: ‘’You! F**k you, F**k you, f**k you, F**k you, F**k you, f**k you! Stop now or you’re in deep sh*t. I’ve already called the police! Stop immediately, you mother f**ker, you b*s***d, you son of a b**ch! F**k you, f**k you, F**k you, F**k you, f**k you! Stop I say, F **k you! F **k you. F**K !!!’’

Whoa! Yes, that was what I’d screamed. You don’t recognize me? I didn’t recognize myself either. Actually I’d gone into overdrive. ‘Cos, at the first ‘’f**k you’’, the construction workers jolted, stopped and looked at my direction, stunned. The security guard came running to the scene and motioned for them to stop. But I continued yelling expletives, unstoppable, like a runner on auto pilot, like the recent flood on Orchard Road that had the authorities caught ‘’unawares’’, determined to cause destruction. The neighbours murmured, fearing that I had gone bersek and that they would have to live with a lunatic in their block.

But hey, peace at last! Silence. Hah, better, and more efficient than the police, the NEA and the MP. I suppressed my giggle, as I visualized how I must have looked – livid, and completely crazed.

I still could not get back to sleep. My throat felt like swallowing needles. I gargled with salt water, sucked a mint, and seethed and simmered.

The next day, I calmly composed two letters - one to tell the NEA how ineffective and completely irresponsible they’d been (they sent me an sms at 1.11 am asking ME to call THEM back to get an update!), and another to tell the mall management that their ability to prosper despite their greed and inhuman practice is beyond human comprehension.

I await for their cr**p replies...